THE MUSIC WORLD’S MOST
OVERUSED PHRASES
Or
HOW CAN I SAY YOU SUCK WITHOUT SAYING YOU SUCK!
You poor thing, you really think your band sounded great. Tsk tsk... Wait a minute. I wasn’t even at your show last night. In fact, this page was written on May 23, 2008. I couldn’t possibly know what transpired at your gig a mere 12 hours ago. Am I psychic? Do I own a time machine? Am I the smartest man in the world?
The answers are no, no and, well, I like to think so. Sorry, Ace. It’s time you took a lesson in Musical Cryptography and Colloquial Decipherability. Your first assignment is to figure out what you just read…take a moment…ok, let’s proceed.
I will do my best to interpret some of the most common language you will hear directly after you walk off the bandstand. As with all matters in this book, I will do my level best to handle this with the delicacy it deserves.
SOUNDED GREAT OUT FRONT=you sucked
THE BASS PLAYER WAS SOLID=he sucked
THE MATERIAL IS REALLY COMMERCIAL=it sucks
GREAT STAGE PRESENCE=don’t sing
THE CHICK SINGER IS AWESOME= I want to have sex with the chick singer.
Just for fun, read that again out loud and really fast. It’s hysterical.
Be realistic. All your friends are trying to be supportive. They know how excited you are about your new band. They are truly happy for you. They drove 20 miles in the rain and paid $14 for cheese fries and a glass of something brown just to give you an audience. You come running out of the foot lights and say, “So, what did you think? Did you like that last tune? Don’t you love the new drummer? You know you can tell me what you really think.”
Right about now is the moment of truth. Your college room mate, Uncle Tad and J.J. from shipping and receiving all look you right in the eye and start using words like “amazing” and “awesome.” Then, as if scripted, comes a stream of the previously mentioned over used phrases.
Hey, you had it coming. Asking these people how they liked the show is similar to your girlfriend asking you if she looks fat in that skirt. The truth? You want the truth? Every Jack Nicholson fan knows the next line. No one wants to crush you. No one has the heart.
Except me.
BOTTOM LINE:
Bad shows are going to happen. There will be any number of reasons for a bad show. Sometimes it’s the soundman. Sometimes it’s technical problems. Every once in awhile, you have to face the fact that the band just wasn’t up to the task.
In reality, the good shows will far outnumber the bad. You have to learn from the mistakes. You have to trust your ears and instincts. Be analytical. Take the time to record or video several of your shows. Dissect the set. Be prepared to take some criticism. Choose your words carefully when critiquing your bandmates. Be open to making the appropriate changes. Be willing to rehearse these changes. You can’t always rely on your close circle of friends to tell you how well you’re doing.
KEYBOARDISTS
Melvin just sold 143 pints of his own blood in order to purchase the new VAVA-VOOM 3000 synthesizer. It has 64 drum loops, 12 helicopter samples and a lollipop dispenser. Melvin considers himself a keyboardist/composer. He is really an idiot/moron. He better read this before he gets fired/exiled.
Is it really necessary to have the newest keyboard? I think not. Is there a need to be constantly on the cutting edge of musical technology? Certainly not. Wouldn’t it have been more fun for Melvin to make donations to the sperm bank and keep the cash? You make the call.
I’d like all the little Melvins out there to do the rest of us a favor. Put a little time into working with whatever keyboard you own. Get a good B-3 organ sound and a few piano sounds first. Stop trying to keep up with the Jones’ and concentrate on being a real musician. Learn to groove. Learn to be creative. Don’t just get the latest product and think you’ve accomplished something.
Some of that other stuff is cool, no doubt. In the hands of a tasteful keyboard player, the sound effects, percussion and specialty sounds can really enhance a live performance or recording. In the hands of Melvin, the Zippity Do Dah patch will eat through your brain faster than the Ebola virus on black coffee.
HORN PLAYERS
You often overplay. You usually don’t sing. However, you’re usually the one musician who really knows how to read and write music. This means you’re smarter than the rest of the band. We’ve already established that most of those guys are idiots, so don’t let this go to your head. You own several jazz recordings, indicating you’re very hip. When you talk about Cannonball Adderley, the lead singer’s eyes glaze over as if he’s going into insulin shock. “Yeah, I’ve heard of him.” says the bassist. “He played linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys, right?”
If you’re a horn player, do yourself a favor. Get some sunglasses. If you wear sunglasses, people will think you play bebop. If they think you play bebop, they’ll think you’re really good. If they think you’re really good, then it doesn’t matter what notes you play. The audience will refer to all your mistakes as “jazzy” and “out.”
BOTTOM LINE
If you still suck, your only other choice is to wear a beret in addition to the shades. With these accessories, everyone will take your playing seriously and you’ll save a fortune in lessons. Man, what a life!
NOBODY WALKS IN LA
Guitarist wanted. Must have reliable transpo.
This ad appears in every Los Angeles music paper. That’s because a car is an essential part of living in the LA area. New York, Boston and London have public transportation. LA has it, but nobody uses it. I guess it’s transportation but it’s not very public. If you don’t have a car, you better have a girlfriend because you’re going to need a ride.
As a musician, you can’t be too picky about transpo. You drive whatever car you can afford. This means it is a vehicle that no one else in the world would drive. Don’t be ashamed. You’re a musician and no one will judge you by the car you drive. In fact, if your band rocks, people will think your car is cool. I swear I’m not kidding. I know guys that drive old checker cabs from the 60’s and another that drives a hearse. One guy still has the longhorns of a Brahma bull on the grill of his 25 year old Cadillac. Oops. These are bad examples. These are just cool cars. The guys who drive them are idiots and nobody likes them.
Let’s start over. No one will judge you by the car you drive. Everyone understands that you’re a struggling musician. You suffer for your art and can’t be shackled by possessions. Good thing!
The band cars are always easy to spot in the parking lot. They are right next to the club owner’s new Porsche. The musician’s car is usually a “Cyclops” meaning only one headlight is working. The driver’s door is a different color. The Nine Inch Nails bumper sticker is holding the trunk closed. The 2 weeks worth of Styrofoam coffee cups in the backseat serve as soundproofing for the muffler that does very little muffling.
The local car wash calls the HAZMAT team to clean the interior. Something is crawling in the cup holder. The brakes are so far gone that their picture appears on the side of a milk carton. The passenger window sticks and the horn won’t work below 70 degrees. A roll of duct tape doubles as the spare tire, under which is a tuxedo jacket. Last but not least, the dashboard hosts a 14,000 watt, 26 speaker surround sound Ipod ready, 75 CD changer, satellite radio, wi-fi internet, flat screen mother of all entertainment centers complete with lighting trusses for enhanced interactive performances.
I’ve seen these cars for years. I must admit, I really admire the guys who drive them. My first thought is that they should spend less money on the sound system and more on the brakes and tires. After further review, I realize that these are the musicians who truly walk the walk. Music is their top priority. They don’t care about the look of the car. (Apparently, they don’t care about the safety, either.) These musicians surround themselves with music. They often work 2 or even 3 jobs in order to pay for this luxury.
If they applied that type of commitment to my band, I’d consider myself lucky. I’d be honored to have them aboard.
I’ll drive myself to rehearsal, though.
BOTTOM LINE
If it gets you to the gig, it’s a great car.